A Cry for Sanity

“Concern should drive us into action, not into a depression.”

Karen Horney

In a period of time i find it disturbing and self torture. The freedom is just in your hand but not really. You want to break loose and so be the life you want to be but you canNOT... in the end you waddle in misery and desolation.

This has been going on almost 2 months since i've been back working --- the dreaded night shift. I am happy with what I am doing... I mean seriously. I am getting the hang of the people around me, got the routine almost completely BUT getting up to get ready for work is the worst nightmare. {Kuddos to the staff who's been doing it forever, I don't know how you can do it}.

These are the typical scenario in my household right before going to work:

Baby M: "I want you Mommy"... or "I love you Mommy"... or "Work again?" {By the way this is my 2 yr old daughter}

Ate L: "Why do you always go to work at night?"... or "Are you working tomorrow, how about the next day?"... or "I don't want you to go mommy"... or "I want to sleep with you tonight"... or "I am going to miss you mommy, don't leave".

{The first few weeks starting working nights my older daughter was crying because she misses me a lot... I felt like someone just stabbed me right then and there}.

Why did i become a mother then? Why bother have a family and breaks their heart everytime i come to work? Even if I tried to make up to those days/nights during my off days it still doesn't suffice the anguish i created.

Yes, I am very thankful for this job that i have learn to love but is it worth it?... Another concern is it scares me if situation comes and I need to give up if opportunity knocks somewhere else *sad*. Dilemma is what i'll be facing, and I don't want to choose *big sigh*. But why does it have to be difficult?

I am hanging on right now... still hoping for a spot that will open soon {I don't even care if it's not full time, i'll take whatever... just want to get off this dusky withching hours}... My biggest question is, how long can i hang on?